My plan was to blog on Sunday about my first weightlifting meet. I have the videos, I did better than expected…but I haven’t had the heart, energy, or strength to put things into words because my wife and I are really struggling right now.
Our young marriage is on the ropes and we are stuck in a negative cycle we can’t seem to break. We both come from traumatic pasts and have handled our respective situations very differently. Our traumas and triggers keep seeming to tripping each other. It’s horrible and I honestly don’t know what to do, or if either of us will be able to make it back from this most recent spate of awfulness. She took the boys to her parents’ house yesterday, knowing that this most recent nor’easter was slated to be nasty, and so a one-day visit has turned into a three-day break in which I’m at home, alone, with the animals and she’s surrounded by people who love her.
The nature of my trauma reaction has been to mistrust most people and so I don’t really have any friends, at least not anyone I can talk to about this. I also get really nitpicky when I don’t understand things or am feeling marginalized or out of control, which pushes people away, including her. I’m in therapy for this but only for about six months so I’m still at the beginning of my treatment.
The nature of her trauma reaction (she’s a severe empath) is to pull away because she doesn’t want to keep hurting me the way she has been rather than stepping forward and into this relationship for more than a few days at a time. She gets mad at me when I express concern or don’t understand something about her or the boys. It also seems to me that she really only has room in her heart for her mother and the boys. She’s admitted that I am second to the boys and I don’t know how to handle that designation from my partner, especially since she promised me I’d be on an equal plane with the boys. I never wanted children and was scared to enter into any type of relationship with her, but she convinced me that she would help and that our love would make it through anything and everything.
Now, neither of us are so sure about that.
I am sad. I feel hurt, betrayed, isolated, and so fucking stupid. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I am alone in a blizzard, without the family I love and have wanted more than anything my entire life. I feel like a failure and I just don’t see how this will ever be okay. What do I do?